Be it the “aahhh, aahhh, aahhh” in increasing loudness, the “oh my god, oh my gods” or the “I’m coming, I’m coming” we’ve all heard them before. Whether we are the ones uttering them or causing them, they are generally linked to the female achieving the big “O”, 0rgasm.
The female 0rgasm…. we could have a discussion about it that will occupy us till the year runs out but for now, let’s just talk about its outward expression…. should there even need to be an expression? If you are not experiencing one, why then do you feel the need to “express it” like you having one? What are the positives and negatives regarding faking it?
Blame mainstream p0rn for depicting a man’s 0rgasm as a cum shot and a woman’s as screams. Unfortunately, p0rn is how a lot of people first get introduced to s*x and what is supposed to 0rgasm. They “teach” us that a woman having 0rgasms has to make loud noises and a man, facial contortions. Well, so does anyone in pain…go figure. We build on this false foundation; a man sees that the guy with the biggest “willy” that lasts for over 30 minutes seems to cause the loudest “aahhhs” ….and that generally becomes his aspiration. If he can always cause the lady to shout the loudest, then he is the man. He has satisfied his woman.
But has he? Nothing written above says anything about the woman’s perspective. He has based his performance on what media says is the “ish” forgetting that these are actors using pumps and desensitizers prior to any shoots. The women are being paid for the noises. This one-sided view of “the key performance indices of 0rgasms (k.p.i.o.)” is further propagated since their ladies, who may likely not even be experiencing a tingle, do or say nothing to correct that assertion.
The thing is, a lot of women will likely go through their whole life without experiencing an 0rgasm, and you know what, there’s nothing wrong with it. You can have the biggest and longest-lasting willy on the planet but ma guy, nothing you go fit to do to get her there. Some people have anorgasmia, whereas others…. scrap that…. a majority needs careful exploration in order to find out what gets them to 0rgasm.
The problem is that our culture amongst others makes explorations, talking about what a woman wants s*xually amongst others an uncomfortable and prohibited premise, and the only time you get to determine what you like, or dislike is when you are both horny beyond control. This usually ends with the woman shortchanged. As a woman who seems to have the stacks against her, shouldn’t you rather stay silent that is, if you are uncomfortable with the “talk”, at least that will signal to him that something is amiss instead of adding on to that stack?
Faking that 0rgasm is like giving your dog a treat after he tears up the sofa. If you pretend to cum when a guy is flicking your clit like it’s a stray bread crumb the side of your mouth, then he’s going to keep doing that until eternity-with you, but also with every other poor woman who comes after. Faking it is essentially detrimental to womankind. For your partner also, it is manipulative. It robs them of their s*xual autonomy. A false sense of belief. No wonder we have lots of women seeing s*x as just “part of the relationship and duty in marriage”, something we are supposed to do to show we dey.
Faking it is admittedly complicated. For one, it genuinely feels good to make your partner feel good. If a partner asks, “how was it for you?”. You may likely claim the earth moved (tremor, anyone?) even if it didn’t, just to sidestep “conflict” in favor of post-coital cuddle. No one asks a “how was it’ with the hopes of hearing “it was appalling and tedious.” But should that “fear of letting him down” override your pleasure as a woman?
I feel as couples we need to talk about s*x more often, take s*x from being something that comes up when we are in the mood to like talking about the latest news around. Let’s demystify it, let’s get so comfortable talking about it that as soon as he starts trying to reach for the stray bread crumb you can comfortably say “koo, 3ny3 paano o, fa to w’anum na y3 ne s3 fine toffee”, and when he does something pleasurable, let’s be able to tell him to stay and keep doing that and nothing else….let’s have fun with s*x.
If our primary insight into s*x is p0rn, then lets rather do a little work and look for feminist p0rn (it’s not something I coined. It actually exists), p0rn scripted and directed by females with the female pleasure and point of view, the main focus. Mainstream p0rn is about male gratification, so as a guy, if you want to seek p0rn to pleasure your partner, go look for the FUBU of p0rn, For Us By Us, where this time the Us is the female.
And ladies, let’s halt our contribution to lackluster s*x. Let’s stop encouraging our partners to think that its only penetrative s*x that gives us pleasure. If you rather your breasts sucked to deformity, please let him know. Just have a clock close by to time him so that he can give both girls equal attention. We don’t want to look like an episode on botched. If it’s your inner thigh that prefers attention, let him know. S*x doesn’t have to be about penetration. What else it could be is something you need to figure out as a couple, together. It is my hope that by reading this, a #fakelesspleasuremore revolution may be started. Let’s stop shortchanging ourselves and let’s help our men learn what makes us tick.